“My faith is to rest not in the outcome I think God should work out for me, My faith rests in who God is… the quietness of my heart is the fruit of an absolute confidence in God.”
Elisabeth Elliot
when I was growing up, even in my early adult years, I used to dream of being this powerhouse business woman flying around the world saving all the impoverished children and finding them families through my many orphanages. I used to want to have one on every continent. I also played with the idea of being a lawyer. I was told most of my life I’d make a great one because I asked way to many questions and never backed down from a fight. I was small so I felt like I had to be extra fiery to make up for what I lacked in size. I think for some I was to much, and others I felt I was not enough. I’ve always been an introvert at heart so even though I didn’t back down, I didn’t start anything EVER! I struggled going between those two worlds I lived in of feeling like the most inadequate and invisible person on the planet and the small girl who was fiery, close fisted and very angry.
As the years passed and I got older, my heart began to be at war within itself more than it ever had. The fight to choose between anger and quiet. I knew I had to pick a side, but neither felt right. I wanted to let myself stay angry and fiery because I was so afraid I’d loose myself and become a doormat. NO WAY! That wasn’t an option. So for a while that’s where I landed. But as time went on I became more miserable. I had made the wrong choice and it was glaringly obvious. but I had no idea how to quiet my heart.
Around that time I was introduced to Jesus. I learned very quickly I couldn’t quiet my heart, but He sure could. It took some time and hard work but eventually my heart began to settle down and I started my journey of forgiveness. That was the missing piece. I had held on to so much that it had hardened my heart. I needed to let go and forgive. I’m still on that road in many areas. Today, even as I sit her writing this, I’m still struggling with forgiveness. I had no idea when I started down this road that one person I’d have to learn to forgive would be myself. It’s been the hardest of all forgiveness lessons by far.
I’m 40 years old now and can say without a doubt choosing a quiet heart was and is the right choice. I’ve learned that having a quiet heart doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself, or that you have to be a doormat, or that you can’t still be fiery. The difference is Jesus. When I decided to surrender and do it His way, He changed my whole heart, my perspective and my emotions. Now, I long for quiet. a quiet life. A quiet home. And most of all, a quiet heart.
My heart is quiet now, but not because I have arrived, or am someone special, it’s quiet because I chose surrender. I chose humility. I chose to lay my ideas, my plans, my goals and dreams down, I chose to give my loud and untamed heart to Jesus. The peace keeper. The rescuer of my soul. I chose to lay my life down at His feet. My quiet heart is nothing like what that girl so many years ago would have thought, and I am grateful for that. I’m grateful He decided my heart was worth rescuing. I’m grateful He came and picked that angry, broken and very hurt girl up and put her back together as He saw fit. He is the defender of my quiet heart now. I don’t have to be. And that my friend, is freedom. a quiet heart will always be the right choice.